Capris, a Quirky News Guy, a Camera: And How They Changed My Life
Recently, I was challenged by a fellow photographer to get personal with my blog. Show my fans and clients and readers a little bit of who I am. At first, this seemed silly. This is, after all, a photography blog, not my own personal forum. But after some thought, I realized that I am asking people to share their most beautiful, crazy, funny, sweet moments of their lives with ME, so why shouldn’t I do the same? So, I will be sprinkling little bits of my personal life and ponderings throughout this blog, in the hopes that you get to see a glimpse of who I am, and what makes me tick.
With that being said, it’s about to get REALLY personal in here. I wanted to share something that I’ve never talked about. Never wanted to talk about that, frankly, scares the heck out of me. But this year is my No Fear Year. The year where I have, and continue to, face my biggest fears head on with a great big smile, and a hike of my hose ;) I hope you get something from this following post. Writing it, and putting it out there is scary, but here goes nothin’.
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Today was a big day for me. It was a day I faced a huge, huge fear of mine. That fear? Being SEEN. I’ve been in hiding for almost 10 years. Why? Because I’m fat. Obese. Big. Chunky. Pick one. They're all words I have used to describe myself, and in fact, they are words I’ve allowed to DEFINE myself for most of my adult life.
I’ve always been a bigger girl, and pretty self conscious about it, but that self consciousness turned to down right embarrassment one night when I got out of my vehicle wearing a pair of capris, that I had to coax myself into wearing, since I hated showing skin, and I had a group of men squeal and oink and yell at me. Yep. They oinked. I cried. It was awful.
The worst part about it? I let it completely kill any confidence and self worth I had. A part of me just died that night. From that moment on, I walked around feeling like an un human ‘thing’ that didn’t even deserve to exist. I stuck to wearing big baggy clothes to hide my rolls, and I worried constantly what others thought of my appearance, to the point that I avoided even going out, for fear that I would run into so and so from high school, or an ex boyfriend, or that some punk kid would try to humiliate me publicly.
That’s when I found photography. Well, it kind of found me. I loved every little thing about it. I dove into it, and eventually turned my passion into Indi*Claire photography. I turned 30 and started to realize that I am MORE than my weight and my appearance. I started to realize that my big heart and my love for other people was so much more valuable than whether I had a tiny butt, or the perfect stomach. These realizations didn’t come easy, or without pain, and very single ONE of my fears (running into the handsome ex, being publicly humiliated etc) ALL came to fruition. Almost all at once, with my biggest fear landing ever so gently on my doorstep about a week ago.
I got an email from a local news station, requesting an on camera interview for a foundation I am part of. GASP! Camera?! TV?! Tens of thousands of viewers?! Bigger GASP! This was it. A swift, hard, FINAL kick from my self made hiding place.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve laid awake almost every night, frozen, and scared, ready to call it all off. I’ve sweated over whether I was ready to be seen, to finally say; "Yup. This is me. Like it or lump it, I don’t CARE! I’m HAPPY with who I am, and how I look!". Ohhh boy, did I sweat, and fret---- but I DID IT! I did it, and it was awesome! A once in a lifetime experience, and I FINALLY didn’t let my fears and my weight hold me back from savouring every last delicious second of it!
I have finally done it. I have finally just LET IT ALL GO! I have stepped out of my fears and into my own skin, and it feels divine. I’m FREE. Delightfully, wonderfully, blissfully, FREE!
So, what’s holding YOU back? What’s your biggest fear? What’s stopping YOU from hiking your hose and facing it head on! Go on! Do it! You’ll be so glad you did!
P.S. I'll be posting the video after it airs tonight!
P.P.S. Seriously. What's YOUR biggest fear? Comment. Share it. Put it out there.
6 comments:
I have a recurring nightmare that I'm driving at night and the windows fog over completely, but I have to keep driving. Zero vision, constant terror, certain death...you know, the usual. ;)
These nightmares always happen when I'm feeling uncertainty about a decision in my life, and I've learned to accept them as part of the process of change.
Also, bonus fear: SPIDERS.
Thank Sam your an inspiration to me always.
My Bigest fear is failure. Im in constan struglle with "am i good enough" at my work. its a big one others relliy on me so i never want to fail for one of them
Monica
I fear loneliness. I feel like I am always struggling to keep people liking me. That my friends find me boring and that I'm never good enough. No one would ever know this of me because i am always trying my hardest to be funny and fun, just to keep people around me.
I too fear loneliness. I always feel like I have to be attractive, look attractive, ooze confidence, wear makeup, diet, be funny, be smart, just to not show weakness...Giving off that air that I dont care is the wall that Ive built from being scared of people rejecting me. I dont want to be rejected, I fear I will never be loved for who I am.
I am so moved by some of these responses! It makes me sad to know that there are beautiful, wonderful people out there who are afraid that they aren't enough, just as they are. Or who fear failure or being alone. My hope for each of you is that you realize your own magnificent worth, and beauty!! Thank you SO much for sharing so honestly!
You are one of the most beautiful people I know...your talent, your love for people and the wonderful mother that you are.....there is no amount of thin that can make up for that. You have so much to offer, and its true....Screw what everyone thinks! They dont know the real you! The you that makes a difference in peoples lives, and that is so truly hard to find in this world. You see the good in everyone! I love you! I have been through alot of hurtful things in my lifetime also, and I know the fear it can cause. Please dont hide anymore! You are BEAUTIFUL!! INSIDE AND OUT!!! Loved by those who count!!!
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